I didn't sleep properly for three nights. The night before my outpatient appointment, I slept for an hour. Why? My regular psychiatrist is on maternity leave for a year. Because the staff at my Mental Health Clinic know me well, I actually telephoned them in the morning before I was due to go and see my new psychiatrist to try and get the “low down” on him/her. Thankfully, Sharon, the receptionist said because he had an unpronounceable surname, everyone called him Dr. Roger, and that he was a very approachable, avuncular man and that I wasn't to worry, everything would be alright.
But why should I worry? Psychiatrists are a bit of a special case in medicine. Most pertinently, they wield the power, to remove your civil liberty – ie, they can section you under The Mental Health Act. Whilst it takes two psychiatrists and a social worker to “sign it off”, the decision, in all reality is usually made by just one psychiatrist. If one ponders this, it is an extraordinarily powerful and controlling tool they have at their disposal. Clearly, one would hope the vast majority of psychiatrists would never abuse this device, but it is almost a certainty that it will have been abused at some point, somewhere, by some psychiatrist.
Whilst what I've just written may sound a little conspiratorial, on a more urbane note, building a relationship of trust with a psychiatrist takes time. “Dr. Roger” commented almost immediately that I appeared extremely agitated, and I explained that because of my Social Anxiety, it takes a little time before I calm down when I am forced to converse with someone I don't know. We sat and went through my rather large long list of medications and he asked, in a half-joking manner, how I managed to function whilst taking so many sedating medications. I explained that if I wasn't on them, he would be peeling me off the ceiling.
What differentiates psychiatrists from psychologists, apart from their remit, is that psychologists will tell you what they are thinking, whilst psychiatrists never do. You have to ask them whether you think things are going ok. Dr. Roger seemed to think things were going slowly, and probably always would, but this wasn't necessarily a problem. But there is always something rather inscrutable about a psychiatrist, and this is why I find it so unnerving having to meet a new one.
Like all consultants, they also have a tendency to diagnose something and then you read about it four weeks later when the consultation report plops through the letter box. Whether this is because they've been mulling it over, or they don't want to say it to your face, I'm unsure. It does leave you feeling powerless because you can't question what's lead them to that diagnosis, or what's made them believe that's what is the problem, or part of it. Whilst this isn't as bad as it was, I am left with a feeling that psychiatrists could benefit from going on a course that improves communication skills!
Whilst I hope Dr. Grunze, my wonderful Austrian Psychiatrist is enjoying her time off and enjoying time spent with her new bundle of joy, the selfish part of me is yearning for her return. I don't even have to say anything and she seems to know if there's a problem. It gets a bit wearing having to regurgitate eighteen years of mental health issues to various people over and over, because it becomes about reviewing the past, not looking to the future, to where the hope lies. Also, Dr. Grunze was honest like my last psychiatrist, though he was an awful psychiatrist. Both of them have said I have a life long mental illness, the difference being that Dr. Grunze has promised she can improve the quality of my life, which, over the last two years she has done so immeasurably. And I am indebted to her, and extraordinarily thankful.
I was disheartened when he said that in twelve weeks when I return for my next appointment it might be a different psychiatrist to Dr. Roger or it might not. One thing that remains of incredible importance to those with mental health issues is continuity. But if he's not there then so be it. Deep down, I'm just grateful that I live in a society where I am receiving this kind of help, where I am being monitored and watched over and where there is so much emphasis put on making the quality of my life as good as it possibly can be.
Image may be NSFW.
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Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
